(Stop) Shoulding Update

Dearest Goddesses,

My girl came out of surgery just fine yesterday – thank you for sending her love and light.

In honor of Oya and change, I wanted to give you an update regarding the commitment that I made last week to stop shoulding on John – since I recognized the vicious cycle living inside a "should" world is. And since I was rebelling against his should – why wouldn't he be rebelling against mine as well!?

The beginning of the week was challenging because John was traveling with an investor. I recognized that when things were even further out of my control – my need to should increased tenfold. But then he was home and I found myself relaxing a bit and getting centered inside of my commitment to figure out the requests behind my shoulding and I've got to tell you I feel like I'm married to a different man. He's of course the same guy, hasn't changed a bit – but suddenly the lenses that I see him through are a different color. Now don't get me wrong, he still gets on my nerves – I just feel like I don't need to spend the energy making him "get it".

An insight that I did have was that I felt like I needed to set myself up against all the women of history who fought for women's rights. So instead of a man in 2008 – John became a represenatative of all the men who take for granted the women in their lives, I was a representative of all the women who have fought for equal rights and our relationship was suddenly a battlefield of righteousness. When he left a dish on the table, suddenly I was back at my grandparent's house for Thanksgiving wondering why the boys were off playing while the girls were dutifully in the kitchen washing up. When he requested a glass of milk, I would look at him with contempt thinking that he had 2 perfectly good legs to get his own damn glass of milk, when he would do something impulsive, I was of course the wounded martyr always sacrificing for her family. The weight of the PAST – and boy it wasn't just my past that I was throwing in there – I had history inside of the relationship! It became very crowded. There's a big difference when a request for a glass of milk is just a nice thing to do for a fellow human being rather than some historical precedent that I need to beat out of this man I married. I think sometimes when we stop to think about it – we're not even fighting our fights – but the fights of our mothers, our grandmothers and the founding mothers of our world. I'm sure there are better ways to honor these women than fighting over a glass of milk.

So the past five days have been remarkable. And now, inspired by Rowena, when I feel my crankiness emerging, I can now give myself a 35 minute timeout (a minute for every year!) so I can get centered and rejoin my world more powerfully. Another thing – very simple – that has worked remarkably well for me this past week has been consciously enclosing things that I'm worried, stressed, or obsessing over into a box in my mind. I sit and visualize the thing I'm obsessing about (yesterday it was Ginny's health – I had convinced myself, for no rational reason, that she had died) and then I box it up – I covered all sides and I place it on the shelf. I was amazed the first time I did it of the physical relief I felt the second the cover went on. And it wasn't like I needed to use willpower to simply force it out of my head. The box can live there for as long as it needs to and maybe I'll do a cleaning once a month of the old boxes that I don't need anymore.

Patty's Challenge: What can you box up that you don't need to be spending time or energy on right now? Visualize placing it in a box (I was using a nice crate with a latch on it) and making sure all the sides are covered and placing it on a shelf.

Love to you,

Patty

P.S. I've shared one of my favorite authors with you – Sanaya Roman. Go to her website – you can download a series of 3-7 minute meditations from Orin for free. That is what I did during my timeout yesterday and it quickly shifted my energy.

Changes: Motherhood

Dearest Goddesses,

We woke with a scare this morning. Ginny hadn't been feeling well for several days – just not her tail waggin, vivacious self. Her appetite didn't change (she could always be found perched at the stove when we were cooking) she was going to the bathroom fine – but when she woke up this morning with a horrible discharge (I'll spare you the details – I'm sure you're grossed out enough) we woke the vet up (Sunday morning!!) It turns out that she has a uterine infection – which is apparently common in bulldogs – and the only solution was to get her spayed. John and I had been talking about the idea of finding her a mate at her next period and have a litter. Although we were disappointed that there wouldn't be little Ginnys running around (isn't she cute??) we were also relieved. No more periods, no monitoring a bulldog birth – which apparently is extremely challenging. On the way home from the vet, John turned to me and said – I guess the universe is telling us that we're not supposed to have babies, I corrected him…puppies you mean. Right…puppies.

As a married woman in her mid-thirties, I am asked at least once a week whether I have children. While I sometimes I like to think it's because I live in Costa Rica and women traditionally have babies fairly young, I know it would be the same in the states. And when I answer no – there is invariably a follow-up question of why not? Don't you want kids?

Sometimes I think of myself as a victim "How does this jerk not know that maybe I've been trying for years and simply can't have babies – how is this question supposed to make me feel??"

Other times I feel like I've got to defend myself "No, not yet, but we're trying!!"

My usual answer is "When it's time, it's time" (of course in my limited Spanish, I'm not sure it translates great!)

I suppose the truth would have to be "To be honest with you – I just don't know if I do…"

There's a whole flood of junky garbage that goes through the mind of a woman in her mid-thirties who's still not sure she wants (or can have) children. While I'm not obsessive about cervical fluid or temperature, we're actively seeing if it happens. I notice a lot of pregnant women and think longingly about having babies and then I see a mother schlepping her screaming brood around and am grateful that I'm not. Every month I get that twinge of hopefulness that I am – and can't help but be a bit disappointed when I'm not, and then I go about my month and love my freedom and how relatively low maintenance my dogs are. I've been on the "Am I pregnant?" websites and I've felt angry at my body for the few days of deception. I've felt the feeling of failure that my body hasn't produced even a glimmer of life, while those around me seem so fertile. I've felt the pressure of the clicking biological clock. I wonder if my choices, my indecision, my failure to log cervical mucus and Basal Body temperature, will seem like wasted time when I'm 40 and my chances are even slimmer? Will I be okay with the question – how come you don't have any kids, in 10 years? When the ticking gets louder in a couple years, will I head to a fertility clinic and start dosing myself with hormones? I don't know – I like to think I won't – that I'll accept that although I won't physically give birth in this life, that I am still Mama Spice (I once asked John what my Spice Girl name would be – he said Mama Spice…!) That I'll join the ranks of the many beautiful, talented, passionate, loving, giving, women I know, who have chosen for one reason or another not to have children.

The truth is, I just don't know. I like being Auntie Patty, Tia Linda, Uncle Patty (to Jonah!) to the kids in my life. I love hearing about their successes and seeing them grow up. I love their precociousness and their questions. I love their laughter and how they can fall asleep anywhere. And I really love going home and sleeping through the night without a bad dream, or a bedwetting, or an I don't know what's wrong, how can I make it better, why won't you just go to sleep?

I suppose in all of this, the most effective answer is – when it's time, it's time. And if it's not? Well, I certainly hope to have given birth to creation, to possibility, to miracles, to growth…

And so, while my baby is at the Vet having surgery tomorrow morning (send her light!!) which will end her chances of motherhood – I couldn't help but ponder my own.

Love to you,

Patty

Oya - Change

The following is excerpted exactly from The Goddess Oracle, copyright 1997, by Amy Sophia Marashinsky and the illustrations are by Hrana Janto.

______________________________________________________________________

I work in ways deep

ever present

always moving

I work in ways dramatic

with thrunder and lightning

sweeping and uprooting

I work in ways subtle

pushing and prodding

wearing and tearing

I swirl you and twirl you

I shock you and rock you

I clear the way for what is to come

I can be slight or stupendous

brief or long lasting

uproaring or uprising

What I can't be is ignored.

Mythology:

In Africa, Oya (pronounced oh-yah) is the Yoruban Goddess of weather, especially tornadoes, lightning, destructive rainstorms, fire, female leadership, persuasive charm, and transformation. She is also one of the most powerful of Brazilian Macumba deities. When women find themselves in hard-to-resolve conflicts, she is the one to call on for protection. Wearing wine, her favorite color and exhibiting nine whirlwinds (nine being her sacred number), she is depicted here with a turban twisted to appear like buffalo horns, for it is said she assumed the shape of a buffalo when wedded to Ogun.

Meaning of the Card

Oya storms into your life to tell you that change is calling, beckoning, and camping out on your doorstep. The way to wholeness for you lies in embracing change. Have you been too busy, too stressed, to attend to the changes needed in your life to nurture yourself? Is change so fearful a concept that you push it aside play hide-and-seek with it, or just ignore it? Have you arranged your life so perfectly that there is no room left for potential? Time for change. Time to sweep out, sweep up, and be swept away. Perhaps you are in the midst of the Change (menopause) and are having trouble accepting it. Resistance to change brings more persistent change. Choosing to dance with change means you will flow with it. Let yourself be unsettled, prepare yourself for growth. Enter deeply into change's chaotic dance and you'll be richly blessed with abundant possibilty. It is time for something completely different. Oya says that the earth must be dug up before anything can be planted and that change always brings you what you need on your path to wholeness.

Ritual Suggestion: Enlisting Change as Your Ally

This meditation can be downloaded for $2.00

Find a time and a olace when and where you will not be distrubed. Sit or lie comfortably with your spine straight and close your eyes. Take a deep breath and release it slowly. Take another deep breath and this time release it while making the sounds of the wind. Take another deep breath and, as you release it, see, sense or feel yourself walking along a path. The day is beautiful, perfect for a walk. The path takes you up and the path takes you down. You follow the path, surrendering to where it leads you, feeling more and more relaxed, more and more at ease.

Now the path begins to climb steadily. Up, up, up you go. Soon you have to climb hand over hand. Still the path climbs upward. You finally pull yourself onto an immense plateau. You have arrived on the Plain of Vision where the winds blow cool, clear, and clean. Here you can see clearly what you need to see.

Allow yourself to experience the swirling of the winds as your vision clears. You call Oya and she comes. She scoops you up in a powerful embrace. She asks you why you have come. You aks her, "What can I do to enlist change as my ally?" and she answers. Envision the answer clearly in your mind, then thank Oya for her help. She asks you for a gift and you give it to her with gratitude and an open heart. Oya embraces you again and vanishes.

Now it is time to return. You climb down slowly and carefully. Down, down, down, feeling calm and refreshed. Down, down, down, feeling at ease and centered till you are once more on the path. The path takes you through and the path takes you around. You follow, feeling a sense of peace. The path takes you down and the path takes you up, as you feel more and more awake. Take a deep breath and, as you release it slowly, come back into your body. Take another deep breath and open your eyes. Welcome back!

A Little Tarot Fun

Well, I'm channeling Shakti today – feeling the energy flow . I feel a little like my head is all over the place, not letting me focus on one specific idea, thought for longer than a few seconds. So rather than not sharing or scaring you with some disjointed rambling – I want to share one of my new favorite books with you.

I did a MAJOR clutter clearing a few weekends ago – went through everything – put everything into boxes and inventoried them. And I collected a bunch of books that I wanted to sell to Mora Books (a great used bookstore here in CR). Of course, I went in there with about 15, 20 books – the guy said 17,000 colones – about $34. Rock on! I figured I'd just pick up a few…I end up simply exchanging about 15 books for 5!! And at a used bookstore noless. ANYWAY…

I found this great book called Tarot in Ten Minutes by R.T. Kaser. He has about 30 different readings in the book and he breaks up the tarot into suits for specific questions. And he also uses numerology for a few of his readings. I feel like I've gotten a TON of insights over the past few days with the readings and I highly recommend. So - I'm going to share the first reading with you. It's based on numerology – you don't need a tarot deck – but if you have one, you might want to connect visually to the card.

The following is excerpted exactly from Reading 1 of Tarot in Ten Minutes copyright 1992, R.T. Kaser

"The reading: Who Am I?

The following cards will be used:

The Magician (I)
The High Priestess (II)
The Empress (III)
The Emperor (IV)
The Hierophant (V)
The Lovers (VI)
The Chariot (VII)
Justice (VIII or XI)
The Hermit (IX)
Wheel of Fortune (X)

How To:

In this reading, we will use the numbers associated with your birth date to determine the card that represents your general situation in this life, your Key Card or mascot. Here's how…

Simply add up the month, day and year of your birth, like this:

August 29, 1952 = 8 + 29 + 1952 = 1989

Then add up the result: 1+9+8+9 = 27

Now, reduce the number by adding it up once more. You should get a number of 10 or less: 27 = 2+7 = 9

If this step adds up exactly to 10, reduce it again to 1, only if the day of the month in which you were born is an odd number, leave it as 10 if the day on which you were born is an even number.

Now, take the card from your deck that signifies you. Look at it for a minute, then look up its meaning in the following Answer section. Just repeat the steps to learn about others.

The Answers

I The Magician. Look at your Key Card. This is the card of people who control their own destinies. Magicians have the ability to make things happen. If this is your Key Card, you are particularly good at influencing – even controlling – your own environment. You are capable of leading a highly directed, determined life by focusing your energy on achieving all the things that natter in this world: career and status, love and happiness, money and possessions, power and glory. If you are like most people, however, you will need to choose one of these areas to master. The choice is yours.

II The High Priestess. Look at your Key Card. This is the card of people who know without knowing. High Priestesses have the ability to know or feel things. If this is your Key Card, you are the kind of person who can trust your gut feelings, hunches, inner voices, and dreams. When in doubt you go with your instincts. You may have an uncanny sense of direction. You may even describe yourself as psychic. In general, you will feel your way through life as if you were navigating a familiar stream. The past, present, and future can click together for you, but you may need to strike a balance between body and mind (conscious and subconscious) in order to achieve your full potential.

III The Empress. Look at your Key Card. This is the card of people who are in touch with their environment. Empresses have the ability to create and influence the things around them. If this is your Key Card, things grow, develop, and mature under your careful attention. You are good at parenting, mentoring, coaching, and in other ways of bringing out the skills and talents of others. You may also be rather prolific yourself. You appreciate that there is an ecological balance to be maintained, that everything depends on everything else. In order to achieve your goals, however, you may have to wait a period of time for the things that you desire to come about.

IV The Emperor. Look at your Key Card. This is the card of people who are natural born leaders. Emperors have the ability to control things. They are decisive and authoritative. And they knowhow to get to the top. If this is your Key Card, you are the kind of person who likes to live according to the rules (which you help make). And, within this framework, you are extremely capable of making your own decisions. You will also decide things for others. They may respect, honor, and even obey your opinions. You like to rule the roost. But in order to achieve your full potential, you may have to temper your own temper. Learn to respect the opinions of those whose support you depend upon. And be ready to defend your territory.

V The Hierophant. Look at your Key Card. This is the card of people who have faith. Hierophants have the ability to believe in things. If this is your Key Card, your life is knit together by a highly organized system of beliefs. You may hunger after idealistic, patriotic, moral or religious ideas. You may have a strong sense of standards, ethics, and traditions. You may even require a rigid structure (or hierarchic scheme) in your life. To achieve your full potential, you need to dedicate yourself to pursuits that serve a higher purpose. This card can also indicate that you feel a need for public acceptance. You want to fit in. You want to belong.

VI The Lovers. Look at your Key Card. This is the card of people who are passionate. Lovers have the ability to care deeply about things. They have the ability to care about each other. If this is your Key Card, you are the sort of person who feels hopelessly attracted to someone else. This could mean that infatuations will be a common experience for you, or it could mean that you will have the great fortune to find true love in this life, and it will be "love at first sight." But beware, your true love may not be another person. It may, in fact, strike you as a deep, enduring passion for some kind of work , which you will pursue relentlessly. To achieve your full potential you must choose something that will love (or reward) you back.

VII The Chariot. Look at your Key Card. This is the card of people who are heroes. Charioteers have the ability to conquer things. They can do the impossible. If this is your Key Cad, you will know the thrill of victory in your life, like a surge of adrenaline. You may work long hours and appear to run on high-test, for you thrive on challenging situations and will stay up all night to complete projects. You will take your share of risks. It is not so much the fact that you are fearless (for you may desperately fear failure) but that you are relentless that distinguished you. You not only keep score but you like to overcome great odds, playing things right down to the wire. To achieve your full potential in this life, you need to strike a balance between self-confidence and winning strategies.

VIII Justice. Look at your Key Card. This is the card of people who are good critics. Justices have the ability to evaluate things. They can cut through the crap of this world and get to the point. They can see what is written between the lines. If this is your Key Card, you are a very insightful person, fair-minded, even-tempered, and a good listener. You want to hear both sides of a story before coming to your own conclusions. But with such a capacity for insight comes an obligation, too. TO achieve your full potential you may need to learn how to be forgiving.

IX The Hermit. Look at your Key Card. This is the card of people who have grown wise. Hermits have the ability to understand things. They are the loners of this world. If this is your Key Card, you may like to retreat to your study at night or get off to that cabin in the woods – not just to rest, mind you, but to be alone with your thoughts, even to meditate or pray. Your job in life is to hold up a light for others to follow. To achieve your full potential, you must come back from your hermitage eventually to tell others what you have seen, heard and learned.

X Wheel of Fortune. Look at your Key Card. This is the card of people who are fortunate. Wheel of Fortune people have the ability to benefit from change. If this is your Key Card, you may even feel as if Lady Luck shines on you. When things happen around you, it always seems as if it's for the better. You always seem to not only make it through the bad times, but to come out better off in the end. To achieve your full potential though, you may need to work on improving your ability to predict and anticipate when things are about to change…"

Let me know if you have any trouble with your Key Card – and try to spend less time wishing you had a different Key Card and more time seeing if there is a lesson in owning yours! (In typing this out – I was like, awe, I wish I was…!)

Love to you,
Patty

Mental Barriers

Dearest Goddesses,

So we've been talking about energy lately – and claiming more for ourselves by focusing more on what we can control and less on what everybody around us is doing wrong ;). The energy that this consumes – at least in my life – is huge and it keeps me from focusing on my own life (and what I get out of it is that I then don't have to take responsibility for my life because…"if you'd just straighten up, I could focus on my things!!") Anywho… my effort is to live more in the present, to live more in my life, to live more in what I can control and ultimately have more energy for myself. Suddenly – the mundane becomes a powerful action. Washing the dishes while bitching about this, that or the other not showing up exactly as you thought vs. washing the dishes – feeling the water on your hands, present to the shape of the soap bubbles in the sink, grateful for the warm water (or the dishwasher!). If a task like washing the dishes can be transformed…!!!

Yeah, yeah, yeah – easy said, not so easy done! And as I was trying to be present in my day yesterday (but willfully stuck in my funk) and cursing the fact that I chose this week not to criticize and should on John, I got this horoscope from dailyom.com:

"…It is possible for you to prevent your obligations from interfering with your well-being by building a figurative wall between them in your mind. Many people allow thoughts of their personal or professional responsibilities to occupy their thoughts even when involved in other unrelated pursuits. When a barrier exists between your survival concerns and matters of your individual evolution, you are free to focus fully on one or the other as the situation demands. Neither realm of your life will have the ability to invade the other or to become a distraction that prevents you from fulfilling your potential. Your thoughts will be yours to control at will. The worries associated with a particular duty won't encroach upon those that follow today when you erect a mental barrier between different areas of your life."

Mental barriers, huh? Well, it's worth a try – I want to keep the energy flowing and these concerns are like dams that impinge on the flow. I feel like I do a very good job of "getting off it" and putting things into perspective, but there always seems to be this energetic drip of preoccupation that keeps me from being completely present. Perhaps simply visualizing the preoccupation in a room by itself – allowing it to be there – allowing it to exist (I think sometimes pretending it doesn't exist is like inviting it to grow!) – but keeping it separate from my present.

Get your concerns out of your present and try visualizing the mental barriers today – let me know if it works.

Love to you,
Patty

Managing The Funk

Waking up in a funk this morning – I decided to dissect it and try to figure out some strategies for getting out of it.

Funk:
A Definition

Confronted by disappointment, mismanaged expectations and quite possibly by things out of your control. You're heading into despair when things often seem insurmountable. Despair leads to inaction, causing stagnation.

If this is the definition of funk (and I am open to interpretations!!) then in the immortal words of Cher in Moonstruck how can we "Snap Out of It!" or my favorite – Knock it off?

Here are some suggestions:

1. Action inspires energy inspires movement forward. Sometimes any movement forward is exactly what you need to get out of a funk – which is a stagnation of energy. Make a phone call, write an email, identify a baby step toward a goal and take it.
   
2. Distinguish between disappointment and depression. Oftentimes I'll declare "I'm depressed" when I'm feeling low energy I can't quite identify when really, I'm disappointed by something or someone and generally the "what happened" is something that is out of my control.
   
3. Recommit to focusing on the things that you can control: Your thoughts, beliefs, actions and responses. Honor that Event + Response = Outcome. If you are unhappy with your outcome – the one variable you can control is your response. If the dog barks like crazy and puts you into a psychic tailspin – shift the response. The dog is barking because dogs bark. And remember the all important: He's just a dog. (or a 3 year old, or a 38 year old!!)
   
4. Watch your negative self-talk and actively turn your critic into a coach. Click here for more tools on how to do that and/or refer to Principle 32 in The Success Principles. I just spilled some milk and heard myself say "ass". Chill self! It's just some spilled milk. I'll be more careful next time!
   
5. Clear your clutter, pay special attention to:
   
   1. The area you spend the most time in
      
   2. Your work space
      
   3. The space you are creative
      
   4. The space in which you relax
      

   Remember – clutter represents incompletes. Incompletes can create overwhelm which can lead to despair and we're back to inaction. Clutter clearing can be a good action item (see number 1). And while I am Queen of "I'll do it tomorrow" especially in relation to cleaning and organizing, five minutes at the end of the day can make huge difference come morning. There's nothing worse than a desk full of reminders of everything you didn't accomplish the day before. Clearing your space does NOT necessarily require a whole day (or week!!). Schedule 10, 20, 30 minutes a day and remember the 3 D's: Delegate, Decide, Dump.
   

6. Employ the five senses:
   
   1. See: Put a flowering plant on your desk, fill blank walls with inspiring art, create a vision board of all the things you want to create in your life, look at people smiling…
      
   2. Hear: Hear a child laugh (if you want to cheer up, click here for my favorite), listen to soothing music (or rock out!!), or rustle your windchimes.
      
   3. Smell: Light some incense or aromatherapy or sage and let it wash over you. I also love going into coffee houses just for the smell of the coffee!
      
   4. Taste: A Hershey kiss, a cup of hot tea or coffee, a sweet fruit, a refreshing glass of water with lemon.
      
   5. Touch: Carry a smooth rock or piece of fabric, get a massage, or ask for a hug.
      

   Being creative can help with all of the senses – start digging in the garden, paint a picture, write a poem, bake a cake, go dancing…there are so many ways to be creative…
   

7. Identify what you might be getting out of your funk. When we are on it or in a funk or angry at someone – there is usually something we get out of who we're being in the moment (stingy, angry, withdrawn, depressed). Identifying what you might be getting out of it (and then getting present to the costs) might help you snap out of it. Some possibilities:
   
   1. Dominating (You better do what I'm telling you to do) / avoiding domination (You're not going to tell me what to do)
      
   2. Being Right / Making someone else wrong
      
   3. Avoiding Responsibility
      

   Don't forget the costs:
   

   1. Love / Intimacy
      
   2. Self-Expression
      
   3. Vitality
      
8. Write a Pobresita (poor little thing) letter. Be as dramatic and pathetic as possible. Why you are in this funk, how horrible your life is, etc. And then read it out loud in front of a mirror with as much energy as possible for as long as you can stand yourself.
   
9. Help someone in need. Not only do you feel like you've made a difference – you can put your own life into perspective. Helping a friend in need, giving a homeless person a blanket (or a fan – it's hot in the States everywhere, isn't it??), volunteer at an old folks home or battered women's shelter. You get the picture. You get to make a difference, step out of our own world and gain some perspective all at once.
   
10. Last but DEFINITELY not least: Gratitude, Gratitude, Gratitude. Write out (in detail) all the things you are grateful for. Whether you feel connected or not – we are constantly plugged in to one outlet or another. When we're in a funk, we connect energetically to the universal funk – or everyone else on the planet who is in a funk (who needs more funk energy??!). If you spend some time focusing on gratitude – suddenly your connected to universal gratitude. Which plug would you rather be hooked up to?
    

Well, I'd certainly like to hear your definitions of funk! And any more suggestions that you might have for getting out of one.

Love to you,
Patty

Energy For Me

Dearest Goddesses,

I've been talking a lot lately about my waste of energy worrying about everyone else and taking care of everyone else regardless of the effect on me. I've also noticed that sometimes we tend to treat our closest relationships very differently than we would other relationships – we can be mean, judgmental, critical, harsh, cold, you get my drift. I'm not sure why that is, although I'm sure there are a ton of studies out there that will discuss the phenomenon.

Last week, I posted about not shoulding on ourselves – that the second we create the shoulds, ought tos, coulds, etc. that we immediately create a resistance to it. I notice it with myself and my negative self-talk – but also with the people in my life. The second I hear the word should – my fangs come out (although they will be masked by a nice smile!) Who wants to be told what they should be doing? It sucks. But I'm the first one to be telling John what he should be doing – sometimes on a minute by minute basis ;) and he does the same thing with me. Not only do his shoulds get me burning and I tend to waste a lot of energy, but so do the he shoulds. More than likely in an argument with him, I'm not upset about the content of the argument, but in how he presents his argument or how he speaks to me – because he SHOULD be talking to me differently, or presenting his argument differently. It turns into an ugly, vicious cycle and nobody wins.

The Law of Attraction states that what you focus on you tend to attract. I spend a lot of time focusing on how John SHOULD be. And while I think I am right in certain aspects – the fact that I am shoulding on him means that he'll never hear me. You know when your little brother or sister was bothering you as a little kid and your mom said – just ignore him/her. They craved the reaction that you gave them and when that reaction went away – suddenly the game of bothering you wasn't as fun. Sometimes I think that we do that with the people that we are the closest to – perhaps their reaction lets us off the hook in some way. Certainly by focusing on what someone else should be doing – you have less time and energy to look at your own life.

In my effort to enjoy Shakti to the fullest (make sure you check out the chakra orgasm meditation!!) this week, I am going to take on the following.

1. I know that John loves me – so when I hear (or perceive!!) the shoulds coming from his mouth – I'm going to transform them into love (remember – take a should and communicate the anger, fear, request and love to transform the criticism into coaching). I may ask if he has a specific request and see if there is something that I can honor.
   
2. I am going to give up shoulding on John – and when I feel a should coming on, I'm going to work through the anger, fear, request and love and see what I can request of John.
   
3. I'm going to give up thinking in always/never terms (he ALWAYS / he NEVER) because always and never are not the truth – he doesn't always speak to me jerkily and it's not like he never pays attention to my requests.
   
4. I feel like I have gotten into a habit of commenting (negatively) on a lot of things that John does and I think it is time to push the pendulum in the other direction. When he does something that bugs me, I'm not going to say anything (this will be my biggest challenge!)
   
5. Before we go to bed, I'm going to come up with at least 3 things I appreciate about him and I will share it with him.
   

Since the only thing I really have control over is my own self, I'm going to take this on and see how much more energy is available for me. And this will be great practice to bring to the rest of my life that might not be as "safe".

Are you in it with me? You don't need a significant other – perhaps a co-worker, sister, brother, mother, father? OR take on yourself.

Love to you,

Patty