Waiting to Exhale

Dearest Goddesses,

I never realized the sheer genius of the title of Terry McMillan’s book Waiting to Exhale until recently when I actually had the feeling like it had been weeks since I had really exhaled. I’ve had the feeling of holding my breath in anticipation for months now. I went to my tried and true guide Living with Joy by Sanaya Roman and I flipped it open to a chapter on clarity.

When we are faced with change or feelings of uncertainty we tend to lose our perspective on the big picture and only focus on the immediate situation. When we keep our perspective, when we look at our life as one long story instead of a series of disjointed chapters, suddenly the “crisis” that we are facing in chapter 157 becomes the baseline for the tremendous epiphany in chapter 163. (I suppose if my life were like a James Patterson book, I’d already be on chapter 1063 at least…)

But seriously – think about a time in your life when you faced a tremendous challenge – one of those “end of the world” bits. Although you still may look back on that as a difficult time in your life or still think it was unfair, etc. the truth is you survived. It wasn’t the end of the world – and chances are, if we truly look back on the situation, it turned out for the best or provided a needed learning experience or simply proved the old adage that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

I’ll share a bit of an excerpt from Living With Joy with you now:

“Achieving clarity involves seeing the larger picture, a longer time frame, a bigger perspective. The larger your view, the clearer you can be…If you are willing to look at yourself as a whole, you can begin t find different levels of clarity around the present moment. It does not mean you need to know the form or where you are going. It means that the larger the picture you hold of who you are, the clearer you can be. If you were to go into the future and look back at today, you could gain a new perspective of who you are, for clarity is brought about by the changing of perspective. Most of you have certain ways you think, certain habits and patterns. Every time you break free and find a new way of thinking, you increase clarity. Clarity is not something that you reach and have from then on. It is an ongoing refinement of your picture.”

I read a quote today on a friend’s facebook page and really connected to it and so I think I will leave it with you today:

'When you come to the edge of all the light you have known and are about to step into the darkness, FAITH is knowing one of two things will happen...There will be something to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly.'

- Patrick Overton

Love to you,

Patty

Anger Management

Dearest Goddesses,

This week is for Sekhmet and although she represents Anger & Rage which can be scary for those of us who like everything to be “nice” – it is an important element to deal with – especially for women.

I watched The Incredible Hulk over the weekend – it certainly wasn’t the greatest movie, but I couldn’t help but think about it when I read through Sekhmet yesterday. By not expressing our anger productively, we end up turning into big green monsters and leaving dead bodies all around us (metaphorically of course!!) Finding ways to deal with the pressure, to alleviate the anger BEFORE we explode is key.

I look back on last week and in the words of U2 – “I got stuck in a moment” and I just couldn’t get out of it. I recognize that I got stuck in my anger and when you get stuck in your anger and don’t express it powerfully and productively – it can get messy, but as women, we tend to turn it inward and it then it can be dangerous.

I find that a sense of humor is KEY to dealing with life’s ups and downs as well as your anger. I’ve posted an image on my blog of a “love note” I shared with John over the weekend!

Well – this week is an inquiry into Anger & Rage and using Sekhmet as our guide, it will be safe and not scary. And essential, I might add as we stop the serial killers (metaphoric of course).

Look forward to your feedback.

Love and light,

Patty

Sekhmet: Anger & Rage

The following is excerpted exactly from The Goddess Oracle, copyright 1997, by Amy Sophia Marashinsky and the illustrations are by Hrana Janto.

_____________________________________________________________________

I burn and fume

and shoot daggers from my eyes

I erupt and roar

(though you’ve not pulled my tail)

my edges are sharp

and I cut deep

my energy is strong and fierce

and my displeasure

needs to be expressed

Though sometimes mild

I can be very intense

Once incited

I am difficult to put out

I am always appropriate

always needed

Don’t try to get rid of me

I need to be acknowledged and heard

I am anger

Mythology:

Sekhmet (pronounced sek’met), the lion-headed Egyptian Sun Goddess, is known as the destructive aspect of the Sun. Vowing to destroy all humanity in a fit of rage, she went on a killing spree. She was stopped by the intervention of Ra, the high God, who put huge vats of beer mixed with pomegranate juice in her path. Mistaking it for human blood, Sekhmet consumed the drink and became intoxicated. When she woke up, her rage was gone. Red in this painting signifies Sekhmet’s scorching, smoldering nature.

Meaning of the Card:

Sekhmet leaps into your life to help you face your anger. Does anger, yours or someone else’s, make you feel uncomfortable? Do you fear your anger because you were taught anger isn’t nice? Or that expressing anger is ugly? Have you repressed or disconnected from it so much so that you don’t know how to express it now? Perhaps you’ve gone beyond anger to rage. Rage is accumulated anger gone out of control. Perhaps you’re in a slow boil all the time and don’t know how to take the pot from the fire. Sekhmet says our anger is part of our power as women. Don’t give away your anger. Learn to express it in a way that it can be heard. Learn to transform it so it empowers and energizes you. Your path to wholeness will be more vital when you make anger your ally.

Ritual Suggestion – Dancing with Sekhmet

Find a time and a place when and where you will not be disturbed and where you can make noise. You will need a drum or pillow or bataka bat (made of foam that is used to safely express anger and rage). You can dance or do this while sitting, whatever feels appropriate for you. Sit or lie comfortably with your spine straight. Take a deep breath and release it slowly on the count of eight. Take another deep breath and sense, visualize, or feel a beach. It can be a beach you know or one that you imagine. Take a slow deep breath, inhaling the smell of the sea and, as you release it, go three. Feel the hot sun on your skin and the cool breeze from the ocean. Call Sekhmet and ask her to be present to help you with and to witness your anger. Sekhmet appears and sits in front of you.

Ask yourself, “Where do I have anger?” and listen for the answer. (It can be a recent anger or a long-buried one.) Sekhmet tells you to search for your anger in a relaxed way, and assures you that if you call, it will come. When you have it, allow yourself to relive the incident in which you felt anger, while repeating the words, “I am angry.” Also say what you are angry about. Sekhmet witnesses your anger and says, “I hear you are angry.”

From your safe space on the beach, either sit or stand, but keep repeating the words, “I am angry”. If you have a drum, beat your feelings of anger on the drum. I fyou choose to beat a pillow or bataka bat, allow your body to feel the anger and express it. Move, vocalizew, dance, or do whatever is appropriate. Above all, allow yourself to feel your anger and express it. Know that it is safe to do so, that Sekhmet is witnessing your anger and loving you for it, that it is yours and you have a right to it. Press deeper into the anger until you feel done or until it changes into something else.

When you are finished, take a deep breath, inhale all the energy you have raised and transformed. Sekhmet tells you what a joy it is to have witnessed and held the space for you to express your anger. You feel energized and refreshed. You think Sekhmet and she asks you for a gift. You give it to her with an open heart, then she leaves. Take another deep breath and, as you release it, open your eyes. Welcome back!

(Stop) Shoulding Update

Dearest Goddesses,

My girl came out of surgery just fine yesterday – thank you for sending her love and light.

In honor of Oya and change, I wanted to give you an update regarding the commitment that I made last week to stop shoulding on John – since I recognized the vicious cycle living inside a "should" world is. And since I was rebelling against his should – why wouldn't he be rebelling against mine as well!?

The beginning of the week was challenging because John was traveling with an investor. I recognized that when things were even further out of my control – my need to should increased tenfold. But then he was home and I found myself relaxing a bit and getting centered inside of my commitment to figure out the requests behind my shoulding and I've got to tell you I feel like I'm married to a different man. He's of course the same guy, hasn't changed a bit – but suddenly the lenses that I see him through are a different color. Now don't get me wrong, he still gets on my nerves – I just feel like I don't need to spend the energy making him "get it".

An insight that I did have was that I felt like I needed to set myself up against all the women of history who fought for women's rights. So instead of a man in 2008 – John became a represenatative of all the men who take for granted the women in their lives, I was a representative of all the women who have fought for equal rights and our relationship was suddenly a battlefield of righteousness. When he left a dish on the table, suddenly I was back at my grandparent's house for Thanksgiving wondering why the boys were off playing while the girls were dutifully in the kitchen washing up. When he requested a glass of milk, I would look at him with contempt thinking that he had 2 perfectly good legs to get his own damn glass of milk, when he would do something impulsive, I was of course the wounded martyr always sacrificing for her family. The weight of the PAST – and boy it wasn't just my past that I was throwing in there – I had history inside of the relationship! It became very crowded. There's a big difference when a request for a glass of milk is just a nice thing to do for a fellow human being rather than some historical precedent that I need to beat out of this man I married. I think sometimes when we stop to think about it – we're not even fighting our fights – but the fights of our mothers, our grandmothers and the founding mothers of our world. I'm sure there are better ways to honor these women than fighting over a glass of milk.

So the past five days have been remarkable. And now, inspired by Rowena, when I feel my crankiness emerging, I can now give myself a 35 minute timeout (a minute for every year!) so I can get centered and rejoin my world more powerfully. Another thing – very simple – that has worked remarkably well for me this past week has been consciously enclosing things that I'm worried, stressed, or obsessing over into a box in my mind. I sit and visualize the thing I'm obsessing about (yesterday it was Ginny's health – I had convinced myself, for no rational reason, that she had died) and then I box it up – I covered all sides and I place it on the shelf. I was amazed the first time I did it of the physical relief I felt the second the cover went on. And it wasn't like I needed to use willpower to simply force it out of my head. The box can live there for as long as it needs to and maybe I'll do a cleaning once a month of the old boxes that I don't need anymore.

Patty's Challenge: What can you box up that you don't need to be spending time or energy on right now? Visualize placing it in a box (I was using a nice crate with a latch on it) and making sure all the sides are covered and placing it on a shelf.

Love to you,

Patty

P.S. I've shared one of my favorite authors with you – Sanaya Roman. Go to her website – you can download a series of 3-7 minute meditations from Orin for free. That is what I did during my timeout yesterday and it quickly shifted my energy.

Changes: Motherhood

Dearest Goddesses,

We woke with a scare this morning. Ginny hadn't been feeling well for several days – just not her tail waggin, vivacious self. Her appetite didn't change (she could always be found perched at the stove when we were cooking) she was going to the bathroom fine – but when she woke up this morning with a horrible discharge (I'll spare you the details – I'm sure you're grossed out enough) we woke the vet up (Sunday morning!!) It turns out that she has a uterine infection – which is apparently common in bulldogs – and the only solution was to get her spayed. John and I had been talking about the idea of finding her a mate at her next period and have a litter. Although we were disappointed that there wouldn't be little Ginnys running around (isn't she cute??) we were also relieved. No more periods, no monitoring a bulldog birth – which apparently is extremely challenging. On the way home from the vet, John turned to me and said – I guess the universe is telling us that we're not supposed to have babies, I corrected him…puppies you mean. Right…puppies.

As a married woman in her mid-thirties, I am asked at least once a week whether I have children. While I sometimes I like to think it's because I live in Costa Rica and women traditionally have babies fairly young, I know it would be the same in the states. And when I answer no – there is invariably a follow-up question of why not? Don't you want kids?

Sometimes I think of myself as a victim "How does this jerk not know that maybe I've been trying for years and simply can't have babies – how is this question supposed to make me feel??"

Other times I feel like I've got to defend myself "No, not yet, but we're trying!!"

My usual answer is "When it's time, it's time" (of course in my limited Spanish, I'm not sure it translates great!)

I suppose the truth would have to be "To be honest with you – I just don't know if I do…"

There's a whole flood of junky garbage that goes through the mind of a woman in her mid-thirties who's still not sure she wants (or can have) children. While I'm not obsessive about cervical fluid or temperature, we're actively seeing if it happens. I notice a lot of pregnant women and think longingly about having babies and then I see a mother schlepping her screaming brood around and am grateful that I'm not. Every month I get that twinge of hopefulness that I am – and can't help but be a bit disappointed when I'm not, and then I go about my month and love my freedom and how relatively low maintenance my dogs are. I've been on the "Am I pregnant?" websites and I've felt angry at my body for the few days of deception. I've felt the feeling of failure that my body hasn't produced even a glimmer of life, while those around me seem so fertile. I've felt the pressure of the clicking biological clock. I wonder if my choices, my indecision, my failure to log cervical mucus and Basal Body temperature, will seem like wasted time when I'm 40 and my chances are even slimmer? Will I be okay with the question – how come you don't have any kids, in 10 years? When the ticking gets louder in a couple years, will I head to a fertility clinic and start dosing myself with hormones? I don't know – I like to think I won't – that I'll accept that although I won't physically give birth in this life, that I am still Mama Spice (I once asked John what my Spice Girl name would be – he said Mama Spice…!) That I'll join the ranks of the many beautiful, talented, passionate, loving, giving, women I know, who have chosen for one reason or another not to have children.

The truth is, I just don't know. I like being Auntie Patty, Tia Linda, Uncle Patty (to Jonah!) to the kids in my life. I love hearing about their successes and seeing them grow up. I love their precociousness and their questions. I love their laughter and how they can fall asleep anywhere. And I really love going home and sleeping through the night without a bad dream, or a bedwetting, or an I don't know what's wrong, how can I make it better, why won't you just go to sleep?

I suppose in all of this, the most effective answer is – when it's time, it's time. And if it's not? Well, I certainly hope to have given birth to creation, to possibility, to miracles, to growth…

And so, while my baby is at the Vet having surgery tomorrow morning (send her light!!) which will end her chances of motherhood – I couldn't help but ponder my own.

Love to you,

Patty

Oya - Change

The following is excerpted exactly from The Goddess Oracle, copyright 1997, by Amy Sophia Marashinsky and the illustrations are by Hrana Janto.

______________________________________________________________________

I work in ways deep

ever present

always moving

I work in ways dramatic

with thrunder and lightning

sweeping and uprooting

I work in ways subtle

pushing and prodding

wearing and tearing

I swirl you and twirl you

I shock you and rock you

I clear the way for what is to come

I can be slight or stupendous

brief or long lasting

uproaring or uprising

What I can't be is ignored.

Mythology:

In Africa, Oya (pronounced oh-yah) is the Yoruban Goddess of weather, especially tornadoes, lightning, destructive rainstorms, fire, female leadership, persuasive charm, and transformation. She is also one of the most powerful of Brazilian Macumba deities. When women find themselves in hard-to-resolve conflicts, she is the one to call on for protection. Wearing wine, her favorite color and exhibiting nine whirlwinds (nine being her sacred number), she is depicted here with a turban twisted to appear like buffalo horns, for it is said she assumed the shape of a buffalo when wedded to Ogun.

Meaning of the Card

Oya storms into your life to tell you that change is calling, beckoning, and camping out on your doorstep. The way to wholeness for you lies in embracing change. Have you been too busy, too stressed, to attend to the changes needed in your life to nurture yourself? Is change so fearful a concept that you push it aside play hide-and-seek with it, or just ignore it? Have you arranged your life so perfectly that there is no room left for potential? Time for change. Time to sweep out, sweep up, and be swept away. Perhaps you are in the midst of the Change (menopause) and are having trouble accepting it. Resistance to change brings more persistent change. Choosing to dance with change means you will flow with it. Let yourself be unsettled, prepare yourself for growth. Enter deeply into change's chaotic dance and you'll be richly blessed with abundant possibilty. It is time for something completely different. Oya says that the earth must be dug up before anything can be planted and that change always brings you what you need on your path to wholeness.

Ritual Suggestion: Enlisting Change as Your Ally

This meditation can be downloaded for $2.00

Find a time and a olace when and where you will not be distrubed. Sit or lie comfortably with your spine straight and close your eyes. Take a deep breath and release it slowly. Take another deep breath and this time release it while making the sounds of the wind. Take another deep breath and, as you release it, see, sense or feel yourself walking along a path. The day is beautiful, perfect for a walk. The path takes you up and the path takes you down. You follow the path, surrendering to where it leads you, feeling more and more relaxed, more and more at ease.

Now the path begins to climb steadily. Up, up, up you go. Soon you have to climb hand over hand. Still the path climbs upward. You finally pull yourself onto an immense plateau. You have arrived on the Plain of Vision where the winds blow cool, clear, and clean. Here you can see clearly what you need to see.

Allow yourself to experience the swirling of the winds as your vision clears. You call Oya and she comes. She scoops you up in a powerful embrace. She asks you why you have come. You aks her, "What can I do to enlist change as my ally?" and she answers. Envision the answer clearly in your mind, then thank Oya for her help. She asks you for a gift and you give it to her with gratitude and an open heart. Oya embraces you again and vanishes.

Now it is time to return. You climb down slowly and carefully. Down, down, down, feeling calm and refreshed. Down, down, down, feeling at ease and centered till you are once more on the path. The path takes you through and the path takes you around. You follow, feeling a sense of peace. The path takes you down and the path takes you up, as you feel more and more awake. Take a deep breath and, as you release it slowly, come back into your body. Take another deep breath and open your eyes. Welcome back!

A Little Tarot Fun

Well, I'm channeling Shakti today – feeling the energy flow . I feel a little like my head is all over the place, not letting me focus on one specific idea, thought for longer than a few seconds. So rather than not sharing or scaring you with some disjointed rambling – I want to share one of my new favorite books with you.

I did a MAJOR clutter clearing a few weekends ago – went through everything – put everything into boxes and inventoried them. And I collected a bunch of books that I wanted to sell to Mora Books (a great used bookstore here in CR). Of course, I went in there with about 15, 20 books – the guy said 17,000 colones – about $34. Rock on! I figured I'd just pick up a few…I end up simply exchanging about 15 books for 5!! And at a used bookstore noless. ANYWAY…

I found this great book called Tarot in Ten Minutes by R.T. Kaser. He has about 30 different readings in the book and he breaks up the tarot into suits for specific questions. And he also uses numerology for a few of his readings. I feel like I've gotten a TON of insights over the past few days with the readings and I highly recommend. So - I'm going to share the first reading with you. It's based on numerology – you don't need a tarot deck – but if you have one, you might want to connect visually to the card.

The following is excerpted exactly from Reading 1 of Tarot in Ten Minutes copyright 1992, R.T. Kaser

"The reading: Who Am I?

The following cards will be used:

The Magician (I)
The High Priestess (II)
The Empress (III)
The Emperor (IV)
The Hierophant (V)
The Lovers (VI)
The Chariot (VII)
Justice (VIII or XI)
The Hermit (IX)
Wheel of Fortune (X)

How To:

In this reading, we will use the numbers associated with your birth date to determine the card that represents your general situation in this life, your Key Card or mascot. Here's how…

Simply add up the month, day and year of your birth, like this:

August 29, 1952 = 8 + 29 + 1952 = 1989

Then add up the result: 1+9+8+9 = 27

Now, reduce the number by adding it up once more. You should get a number of 10 or less: 27 = 2+7 = 9

If this step adds up exactly to 10, reduce it again to 1, only if the day of the month in which you were born is an odd number, leave it as 10 if the day on which you were born is an even number.

Now, take the card from your deck that signifies you. Look at it for a minute, then look up its meaning in the following Answer section. Just repeat the steps to learn about others.

The Answers

I The Magician. Look at your Key Card. This is the card of people who control their own destinies. Magicians have the ability to make things happen. If this is your Key Card, you are particularly good at influencing – even controlling – your own environment. You are capable of leading a highly directed, determined life by focusing your energy on achieving all the things that natter in this world: career and status, love and happiness, money and possessions, power and glory. If you are like most people, however, you will need to choose one of these areas to master. The choice is yours.

II The High Priestess. Look at your Key Card. This is the card of people who know without knowing. High Priestesses have the ability to know or feel things. If this is your Key Card, you are the kind of person who can trust your gut feelings, hunches, inner voices, and dreams. When in doubt you go with your instincts. You may have an uncanny sense of direction. You may even describe yourself as psychic. In general, you will feel your way through life as if you were navigating a familiar stream. The past, present, and future can click together for you, but you may need to strike a balance between body and mind (conscious and subconscious) in order to achieve your full potential.

III The Empress. Look at your Key Card. This is the card of people who are in touch with their environment. Empresses have the ability to create and influence the things around them. If this is your Key Card, things grow, develop, and mature under your careful attention. You are good at parenting, mentoring, coaching, and in other ways of bringing out the skills and talents of others. You may also be rather prolific yourself. You appreciate that there is an ecological balance to be maintained, that everything depends on everything else. In order to achieve your goals, however, you may have to wait a period of time for the things that you desire to come about.

IV The Emperor. Look at your Key Card. This is the card of people who are natural born leaders. Emperors have the ability to control things. They are decisive and authoritative. And they knowhow to get to the top. If this is your Key Card, you are the kind of person who likes to live according to the rules (which you help make). And, within this framework, you are extremely capable of making your own decisions. You will also decide things for others. They may respect, honor, and even obey your opinions. You like to rule the roost. But in order to achieve your full potential, you may have to temper your own temper. Learn to respect the opinions of those whose support you depend upon. And be ready to defend your territory.

V The Hierophant. Look at your Key Card. This is the card of people who have faith. Hierophants have the ability to believe in things. If this is your Key Card, your life is knit together by a highly organized system of beliefs. You may hunger after idealistic, patriotic, moral or religious ideas. You may have a strong sense of standards, ethics, and traditions. You may even require a rigid structure (or hierarchic scheme) in your life. To achieve your full potential, you need to dedicate yourself to pursuits that serve a higher purpose. This card can also indicate that you feel a need for public acceptance. You want to fit in. You want to belong.

VI The Lovers. Look at your Key Card. This is the card of people who are passionate. Lovers have the ability to care deeply about things. They have the ability to care about each other. If this is your Key Card, you are the sort of person who feels hopelessly attracted to someone else. This could mean that infatuations will be a common experience for you, or it could mean that you will have the great fortune to find true love in this life, and it will be "love at first sight." But beware, your true love may not be another person. It may, in fact, strike you as a deep, enduring passion for some kind of work , which you will pursue relentlessly. To achieve your full potential you must choose something that will love (or reward) you back.

VII The Chariot. Look at your Key Card. This is the card of people who are heroes. Charioteers have the ability to conquer things. They can do the impossible. If this is your Key Cad, you will know the thrill of victory in your life, like a surge of adrenaline. You may work long hours and appear to run on high-test, for you thrive on challenging situations and will stay up all night to complete projects. You will take your share of risks. It is not so much the fact that you are fearless (for you may desperately fear failure) but that you are relentless that distinguished you. You not only keep score but you like to overcome great odds, playing things right down to the wire. To achieve your full potential in this life, you need to strike a balance between self-confidence and winning strategies.

VIII Justice. Look at your Key Card. This is the card of people who are good critics. Justices have the ability to evaluate things. They can cut through the crap of this world and get to the point. They can see what is written between the lines. If this is your Key Card, you are a very insightful person, fair-minded, even-tempered, and a good listener. You want to hear both sides of a story before coming to your own conclusions. But with such a capacity for insight comes an obligation, too. TO achieve your full potential you may need to learn how to be forgiving.

IX The Hermit. Look at your Key Card. This is the card of people who have grown wise. Hermits have the ability to understand things. They are the loners of this world. If this is your Key Card, you may like to retreat to your study at night or get off to that cabin in the woods – not just to rest, mind you, but to be alone with your thoughts, even to meditate or pray. Your job in life is to hold up a light for others to follow. To achieve your full potential, you must come back from your hermitage eventually to tell others what you have seen, heard and learned.

X Wheel of Fortune. Look at your Key Card. This is the card of people who are fortunate. Wheel of Fortune people have the ability to benefit from change. If this is your Key Card, you may even feel as if Lady Luck shines on you. When things happen around you, it always seems as if it's for the better. You always seem to not only make it through the bad times, but to come out better off in the end. To achieve your full potential though, you may need to work on improving your ability to predict and anticipate when things are about to change…"

Let me know if you have any trouble with your Key Card – and try to spend less time wishing you had a different Key Card and more time seeing if there is a lesson in owning yours! (In typing this out – I was like, awe, I wish I was…!)

Love to you,
Patty