I have been wandering lately lost in my own head, not quite sure how to put what I've been experiencing into words - not sure if I still will be able to. I suppose it is connected to this week's goddess, and the idea of grief. I suppose what I have been grieving isn't a loss as we we would normally think - the loss of a loved one, of a relationship...I feel like I'm grieving my expectations of where I should be, what I should be experiencing. I feel like to overlook the effect that expectations might have on us is to overlook a huge source of grief.
A few months ago I signed up to Facebook and for the most part it has been a lot of fun connecting and reconnecting with people in my life. Well this guy that I graduated high school with "friended" me (for my high school friends, email me if you'd like to find out who, but since most of you don't know him and since this is posted online, I will not include his name.) I always felt an affection for this guy, but he was very awkward in high school and didn't have many friends. When he contacted me, I immediately sent him a message (Facebook is weird in the sense that you can just "friend" someone without any note of hello.) And it was very good to hear back from him, but I was pretty sure that not a whole lot had changed since high school - BUT that is really my assumption that I'm basing on 2 paragraphs.
I couldn't help but start to think about this kid - from what I remember, he was brought up by his sister - I feel like his parents weren't in the picture. I don't think he was the sharpest nail and he was quite socially awkward. From his profile, it didn't look like he went to college, but I was really pleased to see that he had moved to Chicago from our tiny town. And then I got to thinking about the distribution of "gifts" in this life. And why this kid seems to have grown up with what I perceive to be very few "gifts" (I am making some major assumptions here) a solid family life, good looks, above average intelligence, a college education, lots of friends, a support system. While I seem to have so many. And this kid, despite the odds, made it out of my hometown and is living in Chicago and I couldn't help but question what I have done with my gifts. (I'm not fishing for compliments here - I know I am a great person that makes a contribution). If I really sat back and assessed it, I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking about what I don't have, comparing myself to others who seem to have more gifts than me, comparing myself to others who I percieve are doing more with their lives than I am, wondering why I haven't accomplished what I feel like I should be accomplishing, etc. etc. I mean, honestly - if I spent that time and energy actually focused on some goals, I would be changing the planet!
But I couldn't help but feel this sense of grief - at what could have been. At what I would be doing only if__________ (fill in blank). And then comparing myself to this guy who despite his lack of gifts seems to be completely lit up about his life in Chicago.
I'm not sure what the answer is - but I know it has less to do with what society or family or friends or whoever thinks I should be doing, being, having and more the pressures I have put on myself. I think the answer is simply in plugging in - to the beauty of the world, to friends, to community, to spirit. And so, I return from the wandering - to plug into my favorite community of powerful Goddesses.
Love to you,
Breaking Up with Busy
2 weeks ago