Thursday, October 2, 2008

Winning Formula

Dearest Goddesses,

We all have winning formulas, ways in which we interact with the world that puts us out ahead, but doesn't really leave us feeling fulfilled or taken care of. I always thought that my winning formula was being accommodating - I would make sure everyone else was taken care of and not consider my own needs. And while that very may well be it, I've been confronted by another winning formula lately that I actually got clear about in my last post which was ultimately about facing my vulnerability, specifically relating to my body.

I have always been strong and being strong, or rather being stronger (than everyone) is the winning formula I have been facing since that last post. My body is made for strength - 6 feet tall, NYU record holder in shot put and discus (I decided to use that instead of putting my weight ;)) I've never been a small girl. And because I'm not a small woman, I believe I have used my strength to set me apart. And this strength has become my armor. If I am not perceived as strong (and this goes beyond the physical) I feel like a failure. Somewhere along the line, I decided that vulnerability = weakness. And since who I have defined myself to be is strong, there is no room for vulnerability - or rather, I have not made room for vulnerability.

My mantra didn't work and I ended up getting sick. It didn't last very long at all, but as I was driving to work yesterday morning, feeling rotten, I realized that there is a place for being sick. A time to regroup and force yourself to take care of yourself. Just because my mantra didn't stick, doesn't mean that my mind is weak, it just means that in order for my body to stay strong, it needed to fight off whatever I got which caused the symptoms that I had. And it really was only for a day - others were sick for a lot longer, so I can still work my winning formula at being stronger! I suppose everything is all about perspective anyway...

What is your winning formula? How is it keeping you at a distance from the people in your life?

Love to you,


Rowena said...

tough question. I think once upon a time, it used to be niceness. That's how I made it through being a little white girl in the bronx without ever getting into a fight. I was just too damn nice. But. That started sucking in my 20s when people would take advantage of me, actually, in my teens, too, when I was too nice (and perfectly nice) to speak up or expose my messiness.

Now though, I think my "winning" formula is being independent. I do it all myself. I don't ask for help. I suffer in silence and drag myself up by my bootstraps. And when I do accept help, I don't know quite how to handle it.

Maybe that's what this period of life is about, me learning not to be so independent and solitary, needing to depend on other people. It's hard. - the Creative Goddess said...

Patty ~
such beautiful questions and thoughts, dear goddess!
i was reading yesterday something that touched me so deeply:
Ask the quality questions. The ones that birth good answers.
Brightest blessings to you lovely soul ~

Anonymous said...

My winning formula is knowing that as humans we can fall off the pedistal. The worst and best part of being human is that we are completely fallible and have a great capacity to reinvent ourselves. Where I mainly suffer now is not having pascience with myself, and I am still overcoming many other people's expectations of me. This can be very conflicting. I guess the real question is who's happiness is more impotant to me than my own? and are the happiness of these people interdependent with my own?

-Jazmin De La Cruz