When I was in 3rd grade, I fell hard for Brett Reinhard. There's a whole story with a note professing his love to me which I'm pretty convinced Sherri Yearton manufactured, but I fell hard. Suddenly, I was completely aware of the differences between boys and girls (I mean I wasn't mentally challenged or anything - I got the difference, but we all played together - my best friend was the boy down the street) But that distinction changed things for me - I was suddenly very aware of myself and of him and how I felt when I was near him. So when he started holding hands with Melissa, I immediately became aware not only of the differences between boys and girls but also between myself and the girls in my class.
I'm not sure why I felt compelled to tell you all about my first crush, but I feel like I mark that moment in 3rd grade with my growing awareness of myself as a sexual being - not related specifically to sex. I think that moment also marked for me a betrayal I felt at not being "chosen" by Brett - regardless of the author of the note - he didn't pick me and so, I suppose there must have been something that didn't measure up. And I guess since then, I've always been trying to measure up (or find evidence for "not" measuring up...)
I guess the point is that there is inevitably junk from the past that ends up defining not only our personality and perspective on the world, but also our sexuality and our relationship to sexuality. I really think it's key to clean out those crevices and heal old wounds so that we are fully expressed as sexual beings.
Patty's Challenge: What are your first memories that have defined your sexuality? Are they positive? Negative? Is there someone you need to forgive? Can you just be willing to forgive? How can you transform that memory into something that will support you? For the only meaning that memories have for you is the meaning that you give to it.
Love to you,
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