I decided last night that I was done being broke. It’s boring. Something in me is fulfilling this state, despite being on the cusp of owning a huge piece of property that we’re going to develop. And as I sat down to write this email, thinking about betrayal – I realize that I have been holding the universe responsible! Come on – I’ve been doing everything that I possibly could – I’ve been thinking positive, I’ve got the vision boards up, I’m filling out checks at the new moon, I’m sharing light with the people around me, I’m preparing for a higher vibration, I’VE WORKED MY ARSE OFF!! (Can’t forget that one!) I mean, enough is enough! Why, Universe, why are you betraying me?
So okay, insight number one. I’m blaming the universe for where I’m at in life. Let’s explore this a little bit further…Because as I was writing the paragraph above, I was thinking that other than being broke – and the obvious limitations that that presents, I’ve been pretty happy – and probably the most centered I’ve felt in a long time. And then in the back of my head, in a very very low voice I heard something like “money’s going to change all that” BINGO! There’s another piece of shadow right there – I’ve got a lot of fear around money – being broke has forced some centered-ness – I really need to explore that fear because everyone I’ve heard speak has said – I’ve been broke and I’ve been rich. I’ve been happy while I was broke and happy while I was rich and definitely being happy and rich is more fun!
So a huge part of me just wanted to quit right there and not delve deeper – I don’t know if it was not really wanting to do the work, not ready to let go of blaming the outside world for my circumstances (which would require me to take full responsibility), not wanting to share too much, to be vulnerable…
Okay – so here goes. I feel like money will definitely change my relationship with John – he’s a mover and a shaker and I feel that money will have him moving and shaking away from me and I’ve treasured the past few months and the work that he and I have done to find joy in our relationship. We are so present to the lessons that we have learned in our business because not having money has forced us to look for those lessons. I don’t want to lose the impact of those lessons because it is easier to make spur of the moment decisions with money. I will actually need to be responsible for money – to generate everything that I said I want to generate – it needs to be managed and since I have evidence from the past of “not being good at it” I have taken that on as a belief. For years, I have not started my own business because “I haven’t had the money” – it’s become a safety net for me to not have to live my best life and take my own risks (and not those on behalf of John’s businesses). What would I have to talk about if I led a great life? I mean, I get that I could still share and teach others – but I am holding on to something – the idea of being “in it” with everyone else – as what sets me apart, what attracts people to me. If my problems were in the past tense, what would I connect to? My life is very small right now – which although it is something to complain about – it is also very safe. Being out there means there is more responsibility, more opportunity to fail, more accountability.
But what would I be able to do if I were truly a source for abundance? In the interest of time and since the phone calls are starting – I will need to explore this further tomorrow.
Thanks for allowing me to share and process this.
Patty’s Challenge: What is stopping you from truly being a source for abundance? Go beyond the “reasons” why you might be broke or have issues and try to dive deep. Do you have beliefs about the limits to the amount of money you are able to earn – limits given to you by your profession? Do you feel like your only source of income is your job? What are your beliefs around money?
Love to you,